Ya think?????? Happy New Year and all that shit.........FEAR THIS

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Joe, where ever you are, whatever has become of you, this is dedicated to you
http://duirwaighgallery.com/inspiration_aknock.htm

My Dear LindaGlad you sent mail was writing earlier must be mood was in went back to sleep so manyplans to do today still in my night clothes have had breakfast sun is streaming in the windows all the windows open am coughing again will be seeing doctor soonAloma called she will make some soup has a long day see her tomorrow after churchYour hair does look nice Amanda does a good cut called Cheryl do not understand thought she had a share in house was told has nothing does have a job in her nursing in nursing homein your old schools in the barracks cheryl has been with dr andagoda for four weeks not to worry she is getting care thanks for letting me know about max just tell me what should do to get along with him i will remember trucks and fire engines bruce and chris was very active kepty forty year old legs moving have just spoken to darlenelots to due try and take it slowly Catch up with you later love to all bye >From: Linda Waldroup >To: "bdaonion1923@hotmail.com" >Subject: my hair>Date: Sat, 10 Nov 2007 07:42:01 -0500>> Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it>Thursday, November 08, 2007>>>> Good Morning Momma>Just thought I'd show you a picture of my hair. Look how rusty it was in >the summer. I coloured it a couple of weeks ago and it is dried in a pony >tail, no hot dryer, and there is some hair creme on it to give it a shine. >I will have a chance to do your hair and maybe this creme will put shine in >yours too. Plus the dry cold air also helps! They have a lot more to work >with now than they did years back.>>Gene has Max now, I have to be to work for 9 and Amanda and Mike are >working. I don't know how Gene copes. He won't bother me if Gene is around, >but that also means Gene doesn't get a break unless he is able to go and >drive around by himself and leave him with me. I don't think you could >handle him alone. He is all over the place and might sit still to watch a >cartoon if it is one he likes but otherwise he moves all the time. He is >very bright and remembers everything, knows his letters, colours and >numbers but he loses patience quick and his concentration isn't good. I >bought a package of big dominoes with coloured spots, hoping to learn him >how to play, but the concentration isn't there. You won't be able to play >any little games with him that would occupy him. I am just telling you this >because I don't want you to think he doesn't love you if he acts unlovable. >We are used to it but it may upset you so don't worry it's just the way he >is.>>When he is lovable he is very lovable and you can hug him and hold him up. >When he wears himself out he drops off to sleep, no problem. I know he >upset you when you were up here last, I don't want him to upset you this >time. I just take him as he comes. He loves busses and trucks and fire >engines like all boys. Well I won't stop, I need to get ready for >work..........love Linda>

The Songs Of my Life......1969

This was my second year in high school, and I was 14. I wasn't a very outgoing person. I did a lot of reading, studied and did my homework, and listened to the radio. I am not sure, but I think it was this year that they added FM to the radio stations. All music and no announcer and other stupid shit. I had a diary like most other girls my age.And I was still a very dreamy, far away person especially when I thought about "my crush." Anyway, the songs. While I liked almost everything they had on the charts, these are the songs that I considered "my songs of 1969"

AQUARIUS.....5th Dimension
This was a popular song in school that we all knew. When I have nothing else to do, I "play" music in my mind. I did a lot of this in the school bus because my ride was almost an hour long. Needless to say, I day-dreamed a lot as well. This is one of my "in my head" songs

SUGAR SUGAR.........The Archies
This is a fun, fun song. I had a ton of comic books and one of my favourites was "Archie" so it was cute to hear them on Saturday cartoons playing this song.

LOVE THEME FROM ROMEO AND JULIET.........Harry Mancini and his orchestra
This is the one made in 1968 with Leonard Whiting and Olivia Hussey. We had to go and see this as a field trip because we were doing "Romeo and Juliet" in English Lit.
I visualized myself as Juliet for a long time. It was nice to be beautiful, even if it was in my imagination.

SWEET CAROLINE.......Neil Diamond
Another catchy song "in my head" for my long bus ride.

GOOD MORNING STARSHINE.....Oliver
I just LOVED this song. The name itself was sparkly and magical and it was another song to add to my "day-dreamy" list.

GALVESTON....... Glen Campbell
I loved Glen Campbell (he was so good-looking!) and all his songs. This was "unrequited love" something I was very used to. This song still touches me today and I like to sing to it if I hear it on the radio.

THIS GIRL'S IN LOVE WITH YOU......Dionne Warwick
Are you seeing a common thread here. I was down with all the drippy love songs and I had plenty of school girl imagining with them. I was very sheltered and had never been out with any boys. Not like the girls today who know more than I ever know by the time they are 12 or 13.....

THIS GIRL IS A WOMAN NOW.........Gary Puckett and the Union Gap
Remember this group from 1968. If only "my crush" would notice me, I could sing this with some conviction *at least that's the way I thought then as I gazed out my window at the full moon*

HOOKED ON A FEELING.........BJ Thomas
Another schoolgirl song that played in my head as I rode the school bus

WEDDING BELL BLUES......5th Dimension
All the girls in my group sang this with some longing because all of us wanted to get the big engagement diamond and have a great big wedding with tons of attendants and take vows with our crush-of-the-moment. Funny how I can still put myself in the moment of those days when I remember these songs.

PUT A LITTLE LOVE IN YOUR HEART......Jackie DeShannon
This is a 60's "love can conquer the planet" songs. Also, the one time I was actually in W's (as I will call my 4 year crush now) house this song was playing. It was the Youth Group again, and we were invited there by his mother for supper. Now you have yo understand. I passed this house every day in my bus. It was perched high on a hill and I always looked, just to see if I could see W outside, or even any one of his family. I can't remember much about that afternoon except that I was thrilled to see what W saw everyday in his house, and touch things that he had touched. I had it REALLY BAD I can tell you! I remember peeling the skins off boiled potatoes with everybody else, to be made into potato salad. Somebody should have given me a good shaking in those days. I must have made a real pest of myself.

Well this is enough for now. As I said, there were many good songs that year, but these are the ones that really stuck with me.

The Songs of my life

I have always wanted to make a list of the songs that have made a difference in my life, one way or the other, and things that happened that I associate with these songs. I will start with high school, when I was 13, 1968.
Looking back on the pop charts, I knew, sang or heard of all the songs at one time or the other. The songs that stayed with me the most were the love-type, kind of innocent songs, or the songs we sang in school, among the girls, that kind of thing. I was a very shy person with little esteem, made worse by a very bad case of chicken pox that left marks all over my face. To make it worse, acne also set in and I was plagued with this all thru high school. There was a boy I had the greatest crush on for four years but he hardly paid any attention to me at all. I kinda stalked the poor thing. I watched him where ever he went and wanted to be wherever he was. To show you how bad I had it, I got hold of one of his note-books and a comb of his in my second year. I am embarrassed to say, I slept with this comb and sniffed it, just to smell the stuff he used on his hair. Maybe if he had ever paid attention to me, I might have gone away, who knows. So I stayed in a rosy cloud of "never-never land" and the songs I loved suited how I felt.

Songs I had to know that were popular in school at this time:

SITTIN' ON THE DOCK OF THE BAY.......Otis Redding
HARPER VALLEY PTA.........Jeannie C. Riley
PIECE OF MY HEART.......Big Brother and the Holding Company
I SAY A LITTLE PRAYER.......Aretha Franklin
I WISH IT WOULD RAIN.......Temptations
HEY JUDE......Beatles
DO YOU KNOW THE WAY TO SAN JOSE........Dionne Warwick
LA-LA MEANS I LOVE YOU.......Delfonics

Songs I loved for myself:

LITTLE GREEN APPLES.......O.C. Smith ( I used to sing this with my cousins)
YOUNG GIRL........Gary Pucket and the Union Gap (Anything by this group made me
realise just how young I was in the
Great Scheme Of Things)

SPOOKY........Classics 4 (I didn't have much in the way of 45's, this was my very
first one. The "a" side was what I bought it for. Spooky
was the B side. I grew to like this song anyway)

DELIAH.......Tom Jones (This is kinda personal. The kid I had a crush on belonged
to a church where I had gone to Sunday School for a long
time. He and his family moved to this church from one
further away. So I joined Youth Group just to be near him.
One night, his father was driving us home from a church
meeting some way away. Many of us were crushed in the back
seat of the car, sitting in each others laps. Someone
grabbed my left boob and I didn't know who it was but I
was convinced it was this kid. Guess what was playing on
the car radio. DELIAH.

ANGEL OF THE MORNING.........Merrilee Rush (just another crush song)

GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD/ CAN'T KEEP MY EYES OFF OF YOU........The Lettermen
(self-explanatory!!!!!)

From a Dear Friend

I received a beautiful message in my pm mail just now. I was only able to copy one letter, but this lovely person used this beautiful letter to send me a message, based on my name. She signed it was another just as beautiful letter, the first letter of her name. Beautiful things make beautiful thoughts. Thank you, Dear Friend~

A Safe Place

Imagine a staircase with ten (10) steps or a path that will lead you to your Special Place. Begin to count from 10 down to 1 or visa versa and either on 10 or 1 you will move into that special/safe place in your mind. Spend a few minutes there feeling, smelling, seeing, and hearing ...familiarize yourself with this Special/Safe Place. Ex: If, for instance, you chose the beach...HEAR the waves, SMELL and TASTE the salty sea mist, FEEL the warmth of the sand between your toes, just be completely at this beach..or mountains...or meadow...where ever you choose is right for you....

(I didn't write the above, for the record)

Dwayne this introduction is just to explain what a safe place is. My T has done this self-hypnosis with me twice. If you have ever been hypnotised in the past, you will be familiar with this stuff. I went to a person about 10 years ago who said they could help me lose weight under hypnosis (yes I know!!!) so I was familiar with "going down the steps.".

Find a quiet place in your home, no distractions. Settle yourself and make sure your feet are on the floor, close your eyes and begin to relax. Feel your feet on the floor. Feel the shoes on your feet, and the socks against your skin....going up, feel your legs against the couch (or chair).Feel your slacks against your skin. Feel your back against the back of the couch or chair. Feel your shirt on your skin. Relax, and breath in and out. Count to four as you breathe in, and exhale as you count, 4,3,2,1. Feel your body get heavier and heavier as you slowly breathe in, count, and out, count. Feel yourself relax, your head, your neck, all the rest of you, getting heavier and heavier. When you are ready, imagine a staircase with seven steps.
This staircase can look anyway you want. As you stand on the first step, look around and see where you are, how you feel. When you are ready, go to the second step. Continue this way, until you get to the last step, where you will see a door. When you are ready, open the door and step thru.

You will be led to your "safe place." Take note of where you are, and where you are going. Are you on a path, road or some such. Note your surroundings, any smells, as you travel on. When you are ready, you will come to your safe place, whatever and where ever it is, where you will feel safe from any harm and you can find utter peace and tranquility for yourself only. Can you describe where you are, how you feel and what is there in your safe place. Feel at peace. Stay here as long as you want to to feel better, to feel safe and secure.

When you are ready to leave, to say goodbye to your safe place for now, remember you can always access your safe place. It is here for whenever you want to visit to stay safe and secure. Return by the way you came and when you are ready, see the staircase in front of you, and when you are ready, See yourself on the first step, and start going up. As you go up, feel yourself becoming more and more aware of returning to the couch or chair, up and up. On the first step, you will be right where you started, ready, aware of where you are. You will notice how calm, and refreshed you feel. Know that anytime your safe place awaits your return, whenever you feel the need to visit.

Dee, I did the best I could to remember how my T described how to do this. If you have experienced hypnosis before, you may have your own way of putting yourself in this state. Going down the steps works for me. Don't forget to go back up the steps, or back which ever way you took to get to the safe place, ie to leave the hypnotic state. My T said with practise I could get to my safe place quickly without going thru all the above, a "short cut" as it were.

Just to the record, after I got relaxed, my staircase was a blue shade, with a gathering darkness as I descended. When I opened the door, the place flooded with daylight. I found myself on a yellowish path, with pine trees on either side and I could smell the pines. The path took me to a little cottage in the woods. When I opened the door, it was a very cosy brown room, with a lit small fireplace. There was a bookcase on one wall and I wasn't aware of any corners. Towards the back of this room was very dark but nor a scary dark. When I closed the door I felt very happy and secure. There was a fat couch of some comfortable colour, and I remember a red square pillow, but not a bright colour. None of this was well lit, just a cosy darkness. The second time my T took me down the steps, I was able to see a table with one chair under one small window, set high in the wall. It was night time and there was one star in the night sky. I looked around and noticed the door had no lock, no bar but I still felt safe. When I was done I said goodbye to my safe place and went back the way I came. I went thru the door and set my foot on the dark step, with the staircase dark. As I went back up the steps the staircase became lighter and lighter blue, and when I found myself on the first stair I was aware of myself back in the room I started in as I opened my eyes. You do feel at peace, relaxed and refreshed.

I think this sort of imagery would help you if you are into this kind of thing. Some people are afraid of this but I never was. My T said I am very easy to hypnotise. I need to practise tho and get it down to a science! Then whenever I feel nervous or upset or very alone, run over by life and feel I am very useless in the world, it would be a away to access peace. I don't know if any of this would help you, but it's worth a try if you feel comfortable with this kind of thing. Sometimes it helps so much to escape a situation even if only for a little while, to give you some strength to carry on for a little while longer, until you feel a little better to cope.

I feel your pain. Many's the time you have come to my blog to encourage me, to tell me things wouldn't always be so bad, and that the monster would go away after a while, and you were always right. I thank you for everything you have written to me in the past. The nature of the beast is that it will visit me again and again and again, as it is for all of us here. It's our turn to life you up now. Try to take care of yourself, you are unique and we need you here. Love always, L

This is the site I got the "intro" from:
http://hypnotherapy.net/selfhyp.shtml

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more "in the year 2000" prophecies

http://paleo-future.blogspot.com/2007/04/postcards-showing-year-2000-circa-1900.html

Life 100 years in the future, Moscow style

http://englishrussia.com/?p=656

Skiing in Dubai

This is SO cool. In Dubai they have an indoor skiing place built on to their very large Mall (should have noted the name.) This is just a picture that I liked of one end, where the buildings are, everything looks so real, doesn't it? I am looking for a nice video to link here, so you can see the skiing end. Pity you have to go to Saudi Arabia to see this

There are not many women my age who get a few months of teenager hood back, even if I might have seemed crazy at the time. My 40's were my worst decade. My father passed away in 1992.DH and I were not getting along too well. (Well we still don't see eye to eye but besides the odd dig here and there we get along as well as we might for me being 52 and he, 67.)I had no problems with my 30's because I closed my eyes to a lot of things, trying to be a person that I wasn't. My daughter was a teenager and this caused me to look back and compare her teenagerhood with the one I spent

from "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy"

POSESSION

Listen as the wind blows from across the great divide
voices trapped in yearning, memories trapped in time
the night is my companion, and solitude my guide
would I spend forever here and not be satisfied?
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Through this world I've stumbled
so many times betrayed
trying to find an honest word to find
the truth enslaved
oh you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
my body aches to breathe your breath
your words keep me alive
And I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes dear
Into this night I wander
it's morning that I dread
another day of knowing of
the path I fear to tread
oh into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
nothing stands between us here
and I won't be denied
and I would be the one
to hold you down
kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
and after, I'd wipe away the tears
just close your eyes...

Sarah Mclachlan

BABY I LOVE YOUR WAY.....Peter Frampton

Shadows grow so long before my eyes
And they're moving across the page
Suddenly the day turns into night
Far away from the city
But don't hesitate 'cuz your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day
Moon appears to shine and light the sky
With the help of some fireflies
I wonder how they have the power to shine, shine, shine
I can see them under the pine
But don't hesitate'cuz your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day
But don't hesitate'cuz your love won't wait
I can see the sunset in your eyes
Brown and grey and blue besides
Clouds are stalking islands in the sun
I wish I could buy one out of season
But don't hesitate'cuz your love won't wait
Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day
Ooh baby I love your way (everyday)
Wanna tell you I love your way
Wanna be with you night and day

Bridge Over Troubled Water........my song

Everybody has a song that defines their life at a certain stage. My song was "Bridge Over Troubled Water". It describes how lonely my life was, and how much I wished I had a good friend at my back, just like it says in the song. Of course, when I became moonstruck by Wayne (my four year crush), in my mind he became the one "sailing right behind", ie at my back.

Back in the day, we had records, both long-playing and 45's. Everybody had a ton of 45's (small records with a song on either side). My first LP was BOTW. I heard the song on the radio and decided it spoke to me. When I got some money I went out and bought it. Well, when my mother and father went out at night for a function (not very often) I would put this record on the stereo and play it. This was a big thing because NOBODY was supposed to use the stereo, not even my mother.

So there I was, in the dark in the living room, sitting in the window and staring out into the night. It was the month of May so the night air was full of the fragrant, earthy smells of growing things. These kinds of pre-summer nights still make me feel like going out into the darkness even tho I have no idea of where I would go. And in the background I would play this record over and over. The songs are etched in my mind, especially Bridge Over Troubled Water. Even just setting this down seems to take me back to those days when anything was possible, and I could make things happen. Tomorrow would be the day he would speak to me. Tomorrow he would take away all my fears and longings. Tomorrow was another day.

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER

When youre weary, feeling small

When tears are in your eyes

I will dry them all

Im on your side, when times get rough

And friends just cant be found,

Like a bridge over troubled water,I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water,I will lay me down

When youre down and out

When youre on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

Ill take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around,

Like a bridge over troubled water,I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water,I will lay me down

Sail on silvergirl, Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

If you need a friend

Im sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water,I will ease your mind

Like a bridge over troubled water, I will ease your mind

Simon and Garfunkle, "Bridge Over Troubled Water", 1969

My 4 Year Crush

I revived this blog hoping to work thru some things when I was a teenager. This picture was sent to me by the lady on the right. I am next to her. I guess I was 13 or 14 at the time. Next to me is the kid I had a crush on for 4 years of my life. I don't remember the girl on the left who was trying to drag him off. I think I remember the girl in back of her and the two behind me, I know. I can't see the one behind my crush so I don't know who they are.

I first saw this kid at high school and I wish I could remember when exactly it was that I knew this person was stuck in my head and would take years to leave. He was a year ahead of me and I think he took me for someone else, a person called Elizabeth DaCosta. From what I gather this was a mousy person afraid of her own shadow. He even called me "Elizabeth."

I imagine I will have to set up some scenery here so you see where I am. I was 13, in my first year of high school. I rode the bus to school, and while I didn't know it then, I rode by his house every day. It was high on a hill and I used to look at it everyday, hoping to see him outside. (yes, I had it very, very bad.)

Like every 13 year old, I was full of misgivings, self-doubt and very little self-esteem. I am 52 years old and none of that has changed, except that I am old, fat and been thru the wringer of life. Back then, as you can see, I was young, thin and had long hair but like all teenagers I didn't appreciate it until it was gone. I had a terrible complexion, made worse by an extreme case of chicken pox which left me marked all over, worst of all, on my face. This and the terrible acne made my life very miserable. Someone started calling me "Speckled Hind" and all that first year I got called that. The boys used to pick on me all the time and I felt very ugly and very unworthy. It used to hurt most of all that two boys that I had known thru elementary school teased me the worst. One of these I had had a little crush on back then, if you could call it a crush when kids are little.

So let's just say I "noticed" him. The last time I went home for a visit, about 6 years ago, he sat next to me on the bus and we talked a little. So much water under the bridge. Childhood was so very far away.

I think I will stop here in this post because I don't want to make it too long. I will return to it another time.

Changed the template!

Hopefully this makes this blog easier to read. The print on the original was just too small to read. Blogger has premade templates that you can switch to. I am glad to get rid of the other one. Maybe when I feel like messing around with it I can add stuff and make it pretty. But my main blog is the DF one and I can make that one as pretty as I want to. Also there are only two links to this one: DF and in my favourites. I like it better that way

reviving this blog

I was thinking of ways to write some different stuff in my DF blog, stuff that wasn't really linked to my depression. I thought about some private entries, or perhaps making a whole new Blogspot blog. Then I thought, I already have a blog for this kind of thing. So after 1am I decided to link this blog to DF's blog and this would give me another place for other thoughts. So here it is. I have some "schoolgirl poetry" I wrote 10 years ago, in answer to something I was going thru at the time. Then there are some songs that meant things to me, and some still do. I am very grateful for these few years that allowed me to live in a "dreamworld". Life sux most of the time now. But at least I can look back. Maybe that's what this blog is about.