When I went 40 it was a very bad year for me. Turning 30 wasn't any problem at all, but 40 hit me like a ton of bricks. I was very depressed and the life I had sort of didn't fit me anymore. I was involved in Church but it wasn't doing anything for me at all. It took up too much of my time and I was very sleepy from all the medication I was taking, and I was just very tired of things.
My life sucked and I couldn't put my finger on why it took me so long to realise it. I didn't know what to do about it. I was ready for change in my life and din't know where I would find it or even what sort of change it would be. It probably didn't help that my daughter was 14 and in Jr High and it brought back memories of when I was that age and how moonstruck I was then, always in some fantasy world. This is the way I managed my real life when it got unbearable. I'd just sit and think of other, more pleasant lives.
Today that avenue of escapism isn't there for me anymore. Maybe because I've lost all hope for a better and more exciting life, maybe because I am 50, extremely obese and a grandmother. Way too grounded for moonlight dreams....
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Kiss Me.......Sixpence none the Richer
I just love this song. It came out in 1998 when I was still trying to get back my youthful inocence, well that was my state of mind then. I think we all go thru this phase, before we wake up and realise we have to go on to the next stage in life. There are 3 phases for us women, Maiden, Mother and Crone. I don't thinkk any of us appreciate the Maiden stage until it is way behind us. I was to busy looking ahead to the Mother stage. When you look again, your kids are getting out of the way, and you are left with this space to think about your own life. The thing that kicked me into the Crone stage was menopause at age 48, and the news I was about to become Grandma. Then things change...
But I think I am gonna take a closer look at the changes that I went thru between age 40-50. This was the time I wrote all the drippy schoolgirl poetry, and was actually able to reconnect with my Maiden phase for a while (yeah, I must have looked strange to some people!) I am gonna copy and paste this song, and hope it comes out right. Last night I copied some other lyrics and they all ran together....
KISS ME
Kiss me out of the bearded barley.Lightly, beside the green, green grass.Swing, swing, swing the spinning step.You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight.Lead me out on the moonlit floor.Lift your open hand.Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,silver moon's sparkling.So kiss me.Kiss me down by the broken tree house.Swing me high upon its hanging tire.Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat.We'll take the trail marked on your father's map.Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight.Lead me out on the moonlit floor.Lift your open hand.Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,silver moon's sparkling.So kiss me.Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.Lead me out on the moonlit floor.Lift your open hand.Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,silver moon's sparkling.So kiss me.So kiss me.So kiss me.So kiss me.
oh shit it din't come out right. I'll have to write it out and type it properly...but not today...I don't want to lose what I wrote before, so it will stay like this for now......Computer Challenged in the Ocean State
But I think I am gonna take a closer look at the changes that I went thru between age 40-50. This was the time I wrote all the drippy schoolgirl poetry, and was actually able to reconnect with my Maiden phase for a while (yeah, I must have looked strange to some people!) I am gonna copy and paste this song, and hope it comes out right. Last night I copied some other lyrics and they all ran together....
KISS ME
Kiss me out of the bearded barley.Lightly, beside the green, green grass.Swing, swing, swing the spinning step.You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight.Lead me out on the moonlit floor.Lift your open hand.Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,silver moon's sparkling.So kiss me.Kiss me down by the broken tree house.Swing me high upon its hanging tire.Bring, bring, bring your flowered hat.We'll take the trail marked on your father's map.Oh, kiss me beneath the milky twilight.Lead me out on the moonlit floor.Lift your open hand.Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,silver moon's sparkling.So kiss me.Kiss me beneath the milky twilight.Lead me out on the moonlit floor.Lift your open hand.Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance,silver moon's sparkling.So kiss me.So kiss me.So kiss me.So kiss me.
oh shit it din't come out right. I'll have to write it out and type it properly...but not today...I don't want to lose what I wrote before, so it will stay like this for now......Computer Challenged in the Ocean State
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
China Roses
I went thru an Enya phase, I think many women do, and I still love her music. When I listen, for a few minutes anyway, I feel like I am a "free spirit" like I did at Lilith Fair. When I feel this way, I am tall, slender and "willowy", a description that will never apply to me. So Enya's music creates magic.
China Roses
Who can tell if we have heaven
who can say the way it should be
moonlight holly, the Sappho comet
angel's tears below a tree
You talk of the break of morning
as you view the new aurora
cloud in crimson,the key of heaven
one love carved in acajon
one told me of China Roses
one Thousand nights and one night
earth's last picture, the end of evening
hue of indigo and blue
A new moon leads me to
woods of dreams and I follow
A new world waits for me
my dream, my way
I know that if I have heaven
there is nothing to desire
rain and river, a world of wonder
may be paradise to me
I see the sun.....
I see the stars.....
Enya, The Memory of Trees
China Roses
Who can tell if we have heaven
who can say the way it should be
moonlight holly, the Sappho comet
angel's tears below a tree
You talk of the break of morning
as you view the new aurora
cloud in crimson,the key of heaven
one love carved in acajon
one told me of China Roses
one Thousand nights and one night
earth's last picture, the end of evening
hue of indigo and blue
A new moon leads me to
woods of dreams and I follow
A new world waits for me
my dream, my way
I know that if I have heaven
there is nothing to desire
rain and river, a world of wonder
may be paradise to me
I see the sun.....
I see the stars.....
Enya, The Memory of Trees
Rainbow
Rainbow
This is hard for me to say
but I must say it
That if you are of the rainbow persuasion
it is OK with me
I wish you would tell me
so I could tell you this
please believe it is no shame
and tho you felt
I held you on a pedestal
it is for all your sensitive qualities
your brooding,sharp-edged intellect
your ability to converse on all levels
and of course your physical entity
you always did rest easy on my eyes
and in my heart of hearts
No rainbow colours could wash all this away
or cause me to forget you
wish you'd let me tell you this
I miss everything about you
believe me
no rainbows cloud my eyes
when I see you
7-99
This is hard for me to say
but I must say it
That if you are of the rainbow persuasion
it is OK with me
I wish you would tell me
so I could tell you this
please believe it is no shame
and tho you felt
I held you on a pedestal
it is for all your sensitive qualities
your brooding,sharp-edged intellect
your ability to converse on all levels
and of course your physical entity
you always did rest easy on my eyes
and in my heart of hearts
No rainbow colours could wash all this away
or cause me to forget you
wish you'd let me tell you this
I miss everything about you
believe me
no rainbows cloud my eyes
when I see you
7-99
Graduation
Graduation
"I will remember you
will you remember me
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories".....Sarah Mclachlan,'99
Truely this day above all others
I remember you
with love and affection
and with wishes for a great life
filled with love and happiness
and all that you desire
This I'd write in a card to you
if I was sending such a card
Maybe one day I will tell you this
Belatedly but no less sincerely
when we talk again
I know we will talk again
best wishes for a great life
go forth with confidence
always believe in yourself!
and never forget the magic in yourself
Congratulations
Melisande 6-'99
"I will remember you
will you remember me
don't let your life pass you by
weep not for the memories".....Sarah Mclachlan,'99
Truely this day above all others
I remember you
with love and affection
and with wishes for a great life
filled with love and happiness
and all that you desire
This I'd write in a card to you
if I was sending such a card
Maybe one day I will tell you this
Belatedly but no less sincerely
when we talk again
I know we will talk again
best wishes for a great life
go forth with confidence
always believe in yourself!
and never forget the magic in yourself
Congratulations
Melisande 6-'99
Aftermath
Aftermath
In a sea of nothing
I move thru my life
no real emotions
no expressed feelings
no shared dreams
I have packed them all away
in a box within myself
laid them carefully aside
closed the lid
tied the ribbons----gone.
This box was once opened
after many years
of being locked ands forgotton
out came my feelings
on gossimer, pastel wings
My emotions in purples
pinks and sky-blues
and red, wonderful passions
Silvery hope also leaped from this box
and golden dreams
last----but not least
I was alive!
but now I am dead
I carry the box
close to my heart
and wait
6-'99
In a sea of nothing
I move thru my life
no real emotions
no expressed feelings
no shared dreams
I have packed them all away
in a box within myself
laid them carefully aside
closed the lid
tied the ribbons----gone.
This box was once opened
after many years
of being locked ands forgotton
out came my feelings
on gossimer, pastel wings
My emotions in purples
pinks and sky-blues
and red, wonderful passions
Silvery hope also leaped from this box
and golden dreams
last----but not least
I was alive!
but now I am dead
I carry the box
close to my heart
and wait
6-'99
Eternal Flame
This was sung by Susanna Hoff at Lilith Fair '97.
As well as stuff I wrote I will also include songs that are special to me in some way. I am so fortunate to have been able to attend one of the Lilith Fairs in 1997. I don't think I will ever get back the way I felt that day....I wore a long, blue sleeveless dress with a white shawl, my hair was long then and I had it styled with some braids in, and the rest hanging out. I wanted to be a "free spirit" and that day I felt like one. I went with my daughter and one of her friends, who scored the tickets. This song reminds me of that day, and how I felt...
Eternal Flame
Close your eyes, give me your hand
Tell me do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same?
Or am I only dreaming
Is this burning an eternal flame?
I believe it's meant to be, do you
I watch you when you are sleeping
you belong with me
Do you feel the same
Or am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?
Say my name, sunshines thru the rain
Oh, life's so lonely, you come and ease the pain
I don't wanna lose this feeling
oh...............oh.........
Close your eyes, give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same?
Or am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?
Susanne Hoff, Lilith Fair '97
As well as stuff I wrote I will also include songs that are special to me in some way. I am so fortunate to have been able to attend one of the Lilith Fairs in 1997. I don't think I will ever get back the way I felt that day....I wore a long, blue sleeveless dress with a white shawl, my hair was long then and I had it styled with some braids in, and the rest hanging out. I wanted to be a "free spirit" and that day I felt like one. I went with my daughter and one of her friends, who scored the tickets. This song reminds me of that day, and how I felt...
Eternal Flame
Close your eyes, give me your hand
Tell me do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same?
Or am I only dreaming
Is this burning an eternal flame?
I believe it's meant to be, do you
I watch you when you are sleeping
you belong with me
Do you feel the same
Or am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?
Say my name, sunshines thru the rain
Oh, life's so lonely, you come and ease the pain
I don't wanna lose this feeling
oh...............oh.........
Close your eyes, give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating
Do you understand
Do you feel the same?
Or am I only dreaming
Or is this burning an eternal flame?
Susanne Hoff, Lilith Fair '97
Kind and generous
I did not write this (if I did I'd be rolling in the bucks by now!) but this song meant a lot to me:
Kind and Generous
You've been so kind and generous
i don't know, you keep on giving
for your kindness, i'm in debt to you
for your selflessness, my admiration
for everything you've done, you know i'm bound
i'm bound to thank you for it
na...na...na.....
You've been so kind and generous
i don't know how you keep on giving
for your kindnes i'm in debt to you
and i never could have gone this far without you
for everything you've done, you know i'm bound
i'm bound to thank you for it
na...na...na...
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
the love and tenderness i want to thank you
i want to thank you for the generosity,the love
and the honesty that you gave me
i want to thank you, show my gratitude,my love
and my respect for you, i want to thank you
oh, i want to thank you, thank you, thank you...
Natalie Merchant,'98
Kind and Generous
You've been so kind and generous
i don't know, you keep on giving
for your kindness, i'm in debt to you
for your selflessness, my admiration
for everything you've done, you know i'm bound
i'm bound to thank you for it
na...na...na.....
You've been so kind and generous
i don't know how you keep on giving
for your kindnes i'm in debt to you
and i never could have gone this far without you
for everything you've done, you know i'm bound
i'm bound to thank you for it
na...na...na...
Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave
the love and tenderness i want to thank you
i want to thank you for the generosity,the love
and the honesty that you gave me
i want to thank you, show my gratitude,my love
and my respect for you, i want to thank you
oh, i want to thank you, thank you, thank you...
Natalie Merchant,'98
Longing
Three-quarter moon
shine on me, keep me company
for i am all alone
in this crowd of people
a robot
dispensing words and actions
no one sees me as he did
to him
i was no robot,my words meant something
my actions had purpose
i felt so alive
in all meanings of the word
but here i am
sitting at the kitchen table
gazing at a three-quarter moon
a table he has sat at many times
no, i don't want to remember.
i float aimlessly
in a dark sea of lassitude
i try but it isn't the same
don't i have it bad
three-quarter moon
watch over him for me
let him know he is loved
oh so much
he means everything to me
everything now and forever
"Melisande", fall '98
shine on me, keep me company
for i am all alone
in this crowd of people
a robot
dispensing words and actions
no one sees me as he did
to him
i was no robot,my words meant something
my actions had purpose
i felt so alive
in all meanings of the word
but here i am
sitting at the kitchen table
gazing at a three-quarter moon
a table he has sat at many times
no, i don't want to remember.
i float aimlessly
in a dark sea of lassitude
i try but it isn't the same
don't i have it bad
three-quarter moon
watch over him for me
let him know he is loved
oh so much
he means everything to me
everything now and forever
"Melisande", fall '98
Summerfall
I have always visualised Summer
as that period of time
between Memorial Day and Labour Day
I put the official dates aside.
I look forward to Summer
with such great expectations
good times baking in the hot summer sun
picnics and beaches
light summer clothes and parades
fireworks and country fairs
Soft summer nights graced by
great yellow moons,fragrant
with the heady perfume of flowers
and green growing things.
Even the stars seem close enough
to touch in all their splendour
spread a blanket in a dark field
and lose yourself in the mysteries of the night sky!
Then in August comes the subtle change
imperceptibly, at first
a sense of change is in the air
back-to-school, Jerry Lewis
new fall line-up,football
we are fastly approaching
Labour Day's golden gateway
leading to the cool,crisp days of fall
9-'98
as that period of time
between Memorial Day and Labour Day
I put the official dates aside.
I look forward to Summer
with such great expectations
good times baking in the hot summer sun
picnics and beaches
light summer clothes and parades
fireworks and country fairs
Soft summer nights graced by
great yellow moons,fragrant
with the heady perfume of flowers
and green growing things.
Even the stars seem close enough
to touch in all their splendour
spread a blanket in a dark field
and lose yourself in the mysteries of the night sky!
Then in August comes the subtle change
imperceptibly, at first
a sense of change is in the air
back-to-school, Jerry Lewis
new fall line-up,football
we are fastly approaching
Labour Day's golden gateway
leading to the cool,crisp days of fall
9-'98
Birthday Poem
you are the world to me
i give it to you
i give you the seas and the land
the mountains and the plains
all creatures great and small
i give it all to you
You are the moon to me
i give it to you
pearly white beams that light up the night
silver sister marking the phases of our lives
a silent, eternal force
this, also, i give to you
You are the sun to me
i give it to you
i give you all it's gentle warmth
it's beauty at sunrise and sunset
all it's firery mystery and infinate power
i give it to you
you are the universe to me
i give it to you
vast reaches of outer space
stars, galaxies and the great unknown
who knows what lies beyond our furthest reach?
all this i give to you
All these great and mighty things are yours
i put them in the palm of your hand
there's one more thing I have to give
it's not grand or significant
or beautiful like these other things.....
i give you my heart
3-18-'98
i give it to you
i give you the seas and the land
the mountains and the plains
all creatures great and small
i give it all to you
You are the moon to me
i give it to you
pearly white beams that light up the night
silver sister marking the phases of our lives
a silent, eternal force
this, also, i give to you
You are the sun to me
i give it to you
i give you all it's gentle warmth
it's beauty at sunrise and sunset
all it's firery mystery and infinate power
i give it to you
you are the universe to me
i give it to you
vast reaches of outer space
stars, galaxies and the great unknown
who knows what lies beyond our furthest reach?
all this i give to you
All these great and mighty things are yours
i put them in the palm of your hand
there's one more thing I have to give
it's not grand or significant
or beautiful like these other things.....
i give you my heart
3-18-'98
Monday, December 19, 2005
Celestial Dream
you
love the moon and stars
as much as I do
we are night people
and night is ruled by the stars always
as well as the moon
who, being female
assists when She pleases
as a young child
i gazed into the dark, velvety skies
with their pinpoints of light
and thought
how strange and different
are the day and night skies!
sky blue is my favourite colour
but
watching the night skies
i get the feeling
i could wrap them around me
like a magnificant, jewelled cloak
wrap the all around me
and
with the moon as my guiding light
seek my destiny in the universe
won't you come with me?
July '97
love the moon and stars
as much as I do
we are night people
and night is ruled by the stars always
as well as the moon
who, being female
assists when She pleases
as a young child
i gazed into the dark, velvety skies
with their pinpoints of light
and thought
how strange and different
are the day and night skies!
sky blue is my favourite colour
but
watching the night skies
i get the feeling
i could wrap them around me
like a magnificant, jewelled cloak
wrap the all around me
and
with the moon as my guiding light
seek my destiny in the universe
won't you come with me?
July '97
My Kitchen at 3am
They say the "witching hour" is at midnight
but to me it is at 3am
in my kitchen
amid the culinary clutter
and deep shadows
cast by my small light
very secret spells are woven here
we discuss, encourage
share dreams and share secrets
learning from each other,things
that the light of day will never reveal
these are rare spells
of empathy and insight
a meeting of like minds
mysterious and wonderful
at my humble kitchen table
in the soft night shadows
at 3am
summer'97
but to me it is at 3am
in my kitchen
amid the culinary clutter
and deep shadows
cast by my small light
very secret spells are woven here
we discuss, encourage
share dreams and share secrets
learning from each other,things
that the light of day will never reveal
these are rare spells
of empathy and insight
a meeting of like minds
mysterious and wonderful
at my humble kitchen table
in the soft night shadows
at 3am
summer'97
Understanding
When I need you to understand
you are there
sometimes in person, sometimes in mind
We can travel great distances
without taking a single step
understanding has no limitations
it's just there, plain and simple
you are there
in a song, an expression, a colour
seeing something you like brings you to mind
some silly thing that makes you smile
i love your smile
life is funny like that
sometimes you make a gift to me
of a favourite song, something you have read
something you have seen
all these things make up understanding
you be there for me
and
i'll be there for you
we'll be there for each other
1997
you are there
sometimes in person, sometimes in mind
We can travel great distances
without taking a single step
understanding has no limitations
it's just there, plain and simple
you are there
in a song, an expression, a colour
seeing something you like brings you to mind
some silly thing that makes you smile
i love your smile
life is funny like that
sometimes you make a gift to me
of a favourite song, something you have read
something you have seen
all these things make up understanding
you be there for me
and
i'll be there for you
we'll be there for each other
1997
Soulful Eyes
Gentle spirit with his soul in his eyes
he walks
thru an uncaring world,yet
he cares
A world that sometimes misunderstands its own self
and causes pain unfelt by others
yet felt by some
he is most sensitive
I feel his pain, his hoy, his happiness
and innermost sadness
How hard it is to be one
who walks with the light
yet is scorned by the darkness
the world is a dark place
please don't give up
my gentle spirit with the soulful eyes
summer '96
he walks
thru an uncaring world,yet
he cares
A world that sometimes misunderstands its own self
and causes pain unfelt by others
yet felt by some
he is most sensitive
I feel his pain, his hoy, his happiness
and innermost sadness
How hard it is to be one
who walks with the light
yet is scorned by the darkness
the world is a dark place
please don't give up
my gentle spirit with the soulful eyes
summer '96
Sunday, December 18, 2005
welcome to Schoolgirl Poetry
I call this Schoolgirl Poetry because it is the drippy, sentimental stuff you would expect from a moonstruck middleschool girl. I never thought any of this would see the light of day, but here goes....
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